how heated rivalry changed my brain chemistry
on attunement, gender dynamics, and ice
heated rivalry is all the rage right now. the girls and the gays have been screaming at me to watch it. and so i did, delirious on a friday afternoon while suffering through a terrible cold in january.
the show is about two rival hockey players who get into a decade-long situationship that turns into a blossoming love story. that’s a terrible description of a great show, so i just recommend watching it before reading below (and i will have spoilers). this is the trailer:
i wrote some reflections in my journal after watching it and was pretty sure i wasn’t going to post it on substack, since the show is definitely not PG (and god forbid anyone in my lab were to read the reflections). but after sitting with it for a while, i was like, why not?
the show changed my brain chemistry. maybe it will change yours too, for the better.
here are some of my takeaways [redacted the R-rated / overly personal reflections heh]:
the love between shane and ilya is so intense and pure. BRING BACK YEARNING. on that note of intensity. i guess after being in an intense relationship, i was so scared of intensity in a new partner. i lose my mind when im truly in love, in a way that scares me. but i feel watching this show, it validated that it’s okay to let yourself fall, you actually don’t have to be so self-possessed and careful. and i DO want intensity. and that is not mutually exclusive with the other things i want—safety, security, attunement. those relational aspects take time to develop; it certainly does not develop after only a few times meeting someone.
i didn’t even realize shane was autistic until after i finished watching the show and read a bunch of substack posts (i liked a post and suddenly my entire feed was HR). i just find it so beautiful, the attunement between shane and ilya. like, neither of them hold the explicit knowledge that shane is autistic, but ilya is able to sense what shane needs. it’s not even that he’s molding himself for shane, he DELIGHTS in how shane is. like how he keeps calling shane boring, as a joke—but deep down that’s what ilya craves and wants because of his traumatic upbringing. and how shane supports ilya by suggesting he speak in russian over the phone, because english was too hard for him to express the feelings he had about his father’s death. ilya is obsessed with shane, and shane is obsessed with ilya. neither of them are playing around with each other, they don’t take what they do for granted.
the lack of gender power dynamics really got to me. watching romance movies and reading so many novels, too (and especially the kdramas)—there are always so many gender dynamics. in heated rivalry, they’re both guys. not just any guys, but super masculine, both at the top of their game. there are no gender games between them, or even large age differences like call me by your name. obviously, there are years of oppression about being closeted queer and the social dynamics that come with that. and the fact that ilya is bisexual while shane is gay (changing the power dynamics). but ilya handles it so delicately (and corrects himself when he realizes how shane gets hurt). it comes back to the attunement, and why this show is so special.
ilya was not some emotionally available lover boy from day one. he was always, deep down, a lover boy at heart. but boy was he seriously emotionally unavailable—which led to a lot of miscommunication and unmet expectations. despite that, he always tried to offer safety to shane, even through all the ups and downs of their relationship. and he tried his best to attune to shane, even through shane’s autism and his need for things to be spelled out to a T. it took a lot of growth for ilya to actually let shane into his inner landscape, but it didn’t really require him to change himself in a way that was different from who he already was or how he wanted to grow. by falling in love, ilya became more himself, not less—and his true self was a lover boy.
the SEX scenes god they are so sexy. i mean obviously, these totally gorgeous men flirting and fornicating is something to experience. but seriously, why am i going on dates and evaluating on long-term potential like it’s some kind of job interview. by GOD maybe i don’t have to take dating so seriously and instead just try to find someone i am actually wildly attracted to. unfortunately, i am a slow burn gal and incapable of anything casual—but once i’m lit, i’m a burnt crisp.
so, if i want this kind of love i gotta put myself out there. no, not on dating apps (shudder). but actually in the REAL world. go to places i want to be. fulfill my greatest potential, like shane and ilya. they were fuel for each other’s growth, on and off the ice. nothing really against dating apps—i think they have evidently worked for so many people, and i’ve also met great people. but you tend to meet people you wouldn't normally cross paths with in your life, and it's like a glitch in the matrix. on the one hand, it's nice, because you meet people you wouldn't normally meet in your day-to-day life. but on the other hand, it's horrible, because you meet people you wouldn't normally meet in your day-to-day life. and besides, i am much more attracted to aura than anything else—especially how they interact with others or just move through life. i’ve just been thinking — if i just live my best life, hopefully i will cross paths with someone who makes me want to take the leap, even if it takes a few years (or even a full decade) of patience.
and finally, a note on creating art and staying true to artistic vision: the show was produced on a shoestring budget (the sunset was basically a greenscreen, etc.) for the canadian streaming service Crave. the music they chose were all indie (and the choices were SO great). the filming was completed in just under 40 days! and yet, it was such a work of art and got picked up by HBO max just 9 days before the premiere. the creator and writer-director-executive producer, jacob tierney, walked away from hollywood execs since they were going to cut the sex scenes (and delay them until season TWO?). this goes to show—the people want something REAL that perhaps the profit-driven hollywood machine cannot produce (ahem, the wuthering heights adaptation).
also, the actors are incredibly talented — afterwards, i watched the interviews with hudson williams and connor storrie. who knew, connor literally had to learn russian (he’s from texas)! the actors basically blew up overnight.
even though the characters are fictional, this show felt very real to me, uncovering desires and fears buried beneath the surface. even now, weeks after—it stays with me. i listen to music from the show and reflect on what lingers.
and what lingers is the attunement, created through years of history and seeing each other in different situations. i realize that is why past loss has always felt hard for me, because attunement is not built overnight; it is different from attraction and even empathy. attunement comes from deeply studying someone and staying curious to their inner landscape. so much of what is called love is really just fantasy and projection. but attunement is being present, not only in your own experience, but theirs too.
other things i’ve been loving:
this beautiful performance of Mikhail Shaidorov getting Olympic gold. he was a “dark horse”—despite winning silver in World Championships last year, he had a bit of a rough season. meanwhile, the favorite “quad god” Ilia Malinin fell multiple times in his free skate (was so sad to watch, the pressure that man was under) :( the music is so great, too—he chose a Kazakh artist, Dimash Kudaibergen (his incredible piece). that man can SING:
been reading wuthering heights by emily brontë (still debating whether i will watch in theaters due to the mixed reviews) — it’s been a bit hard to get through because of the language, but also the story has been surprisingly funny and unhinged
i have also been reading heated rivalry (the book) by rachel reid — it’s cool how the TV show actually captures the book pretty well!
justin bieber showing everyone that he’s still a massively talented artist in his grammy performance of yukon. just him, his loop, in his boxers in front of a mirror. i’ve watched this dozens of times, and it just doesn’t get old:
SARDINES. who knew they were so yummy? funnily, this started when i was feeding the cats in december and thought the canned fish smelled good. then remembering how a friend was telling me about how good sardines were as a source of protein, combined with someone at a party telling me how good fishwife (a canned fish brand) was. i was sold after trying it on toast. obsessed with this lady’s videos!:
this absolutely gorgeous piece of music — Visit Croatia by Alabaster DePlume. it really stopped me in my tracks when i first heard it: